****WARNING.. may contain spoilers. If you have not seen this movie by now, consider yourself lucky you found my review. I’ll save you an hour and a half you’ll never get back — HUGE EARTH, stunning visuals and all*****
SSSS – I give it 4 capitol S’s… for seriously seriously, seriously sucking. I had some serious issues with this movie here, and I had to let the world know. Because we geeks take this stuff seriously. Here’s my rant and review for you….
Question: Should a movie with a completely sub-par plot be allowed to receive any Academy Awards? Is it all about recognition in film now, since no money is being made at the box office, or are they that stupid to think they can pull the wool then cash in on the industries most loyal fan, the geeks, nerds, trekkies and the like? Can they at least be honest with us, since we can see right through your fake HUGE EARTH, however visually stunning it can seem on film in a dark room with a HUGE SCREEN and 3D glasses to keep you distraction free. If you don’t mind, I’d love your opinion on this controversy I am now very aware of. Please, take a minute to vote in my first little sillypoll:
It was one week after my very first marathon, the third weekend in October when I was suppose to see this movie in IMAX with 2 of my girlfriends. The next day I was going to North Carolina to celebrate the wedding and new home of one of my best life friends. My flight was changed and I had to leave that day, so I was extremely disappointed I missed it…. especially in IMAX. I’m sure now, I would of been so distracted by the HUGE EARTH and awesome sky that I would of saw past the utterly stupid, boring and predictable-down-to-note-the-fire-extinguisher-it-will-come-up-later plot. But I can go to the Planetarium anytime anyways.
So, last night I finally got to see it! I was excited… anticipating a 7-Oscar award winning film. Welp, I was really not prepared for what I saw. I had to apologize to my company because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut… the sarcasm was pouring out every 15 seconds of this movie, and I’m a huge sci-fi movie freak– and even cheesy sci-fi. This was… jaw dropping. I’d wished I’d taped it, I felt like I was a guest star on Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It was too easy… it was so bad. Maybe I’m a space geek, but there were so many inconsistencies and obvious inaccuracies OMG!! And the in-your-face-dumbass shout outs… brother.. are they all
smoking crack completely blind desperate to make a movie?
When I think of the last hugely-hyped blockbuster sci-fi that let me down this bad, I think of Armaggedon and Twister (the stupidity, omg!). At least Armaggedon had some attempts at humor and Steve Buscemi and Aerosmith music– even if the entire purpose of the movie was to brainwash people into seeing Ben Affleck as any type of superhero… fume.. don’t even get me started on that. (Do whatever the hell you want with Batman, but please, stay far away from my Superman when you do it, okay, Batman movie writing/casting weridos).
Here are some of the
stupid why am I wasting brain energy looming questions I was left with after that seriously shameful attempt at a science fiction blockbuster.
- Was George Clooney‘s character even a real person ever?
- How come he could direct her all the hell in the right ways in miles of space and not spin himself, (yes he had a jet -pack, but he hardly used it, opting to lean on his leading man is a God skills to float from one station to another) but then not be able to get back to her after he tells her to cut him loose?
- And if you were floating away to die in space, would you spend your last say 1 hour of oxygen telling her what to do, knowing she was too stupid to figure it out herself?
- Speaking of her being so incapable– who would put someone up in space that insecure and incapable she needs to envision George Clooney to talk her through it?
- How come the Russian station had to have chess pieces floating around? Because we are stupid and clueless that Russians liked chess back then? OH and the directions she finds– and she just happens to be Russian? Or the Chinese station.. having ping pong paddles floating around..why not throw some chopsticks in too? (yes, in the 60’s the asians loved ping pong we gotcha- we all saw Forrest Gump). But no directions at all just asian letters labeling things…so she does EENY MEANY MINEY MOE and actually presses the right buttons?? Come on!!
- And tell me, how the hell could every station she gets to then get destroyed, when it was fine for like 50 years up there with no collisions whatsoever? She never gets pummeled with random space junk, except when next to or in a 60 year old station?
- Oh yeah, and the fire extinguisher.. how did I know the moment it came out she’d end up using it as a propulsion mechanism later? Because I have a brain?
- And when she gets to earth, how come no one has a clue??? where’s the damn helicopters, Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines? Seeing a good movie instead, apparently- because like myself, I was hoping to see the damn thing burn up and her die before landing. I’d had enough. Really, Hollywood, so aliens can just get in easy like that– what about all the people watching the skies? Are they just stupid nerds wasting there time too?
The only thing missing is some geek in his garage who picks up her signal and helps her make it back to earth and later she finds out she’s Georgie’s brother and marries him. LOLOL I bet 100 bucks that was a scene edited out of this movie. Wowsers.
I looked up other reviews when I decided to do this post, and I was to say the least SHOCKED and AWED. Does everyone in Hollywood have a vested interest in seeing these types of movies succeed? Is it all now one big conspiracy? Even Roger Ebert… wow. The same guy who knocked John Hughes so down he left Hollywood and died not knowing the greatness his movies were. TISK TISK HOLLYWOOD. We cannot trust you anymore, at all, to deliver to your #1 client what we deserve. Luckily, under the piles of bullshit reviews came a light and a lot more of the same thing I saw. Here’s an excerpt from one:
Once one has acknowledged the impressive graphics, any anticipation of emotional investment is quickly dashed to smithereens by the unbelievably vapid and inane dialog. It is painfully obvious that someone with a double-digit scientific IQ appears to have awoken one morning and haphazardly decided to write a “space movie”. The physics are off, the events highly improbable. The entire story demands a suspension of belief in reality. Worst of all, the dialog and interaction between the characters is so juvenile that anyone with a brain gets the immediate impression that the project is the product of sophomoric show-biz types who think that the way to move the product is to recycle hackneyed clichés, shiny objects and big explosions. –tcara111 on IMDb Gravity Reviews
Click the link and read many more.. wow. Glad I wasn’t seeing things, like Sandra.
So, I hope you enjoyed my first movie review on here, (even if it was about a movie that came out last year) and that if you watch it you get good and drunk first– it will be much more enjoyable. In case you weren’t sure of my feelings on this movie, one more time for good measure.