Its been one day since Robin Williams killed himself.
For someone who passionately and whole-heatedly believes in encouragement and inspiration, and has been “preaching” about the emotional well-being being a KEY ingredient to being the best you can be… I am emotionally rocked. I stand stripped bare, raw, hurt and angry. Angry that he was hurting so much. Hurt that he couldn’t be helped, that he felt such despair. Raw because he was a such positive light in this dark world and stripped bare because I must reveal what I don’t think I’ve ever said aloud on this blog before:
I’ve suffered from depression before in my life. For many years it was an up and down lifestyle. I never knew self-esteem or confidence. I was the underdog, dork, geek, nerd–loser for 35 years of my life.
I’ve also felt that deep, dark despair, when things feel so bad that nothing can fix them. I have been that depressed in my life. I have been unhappy, felt unworthy, unlovable and unfixable. I have lived the rollercoaster, my friends. But I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, I got out the tunnel and got on the superhighway. Today I know I can do anything— but I’ll NEVER forget that once I felt like I could never do anything.
As I’ve said before, learning to love myself, taking on my dragons and slaying them, learning to run, eating right– all at the same time, over the last 4 years of me life.. helped me get into a better place in my head. I beat depression– for now.
Where I think Robin went wrong, and so many of us do, is the constant maintainance that you must do to keep your life to stay in a positive place. For me, running, eating right, growing as a person and staying away from my bad habits are what I need to do, everyday, for my LIFETIME.
I have no idea what it was that helped him, but he was nowhere near that place when the end came for him, I’d venture to say.
Lately I started to ask myself “why am I bothering with this blog… no one’s gonna get it, or me, or understand what I’m trying to do or say. I’m just crazy.” Inadvertently, I think his death answered my question. The world does need people like me, even if sometimes we think we are crazy, or no one’s listening.