Dealing with Failing a Friend

Today was a real tough one for Miss Inspiration.

Last night I found out a good friend died.

When us inspirers are hell bent on fixing the broken in this world and one that you know personally and have for years slips through your fingers… it’s more than shocking and discouraging. I cannot even describe the pain I feel. Someone I connected with at some of the toughest times in both our lives, died at 45 years old

of what I do believe will be determined as a drug related death from his own pain, it takes a HUGE chunk out of the self. Even any situations or pains that I cannot fix for the people I love around me sometimes wears me way down.  It would sound crazy to say I absorb those pains, but it sure feels that way. It can take a whole lot to get me back up too.

He was a high school buddy and partyer friend, and under the influence of all things the burnout kids of my generation smoked drank and ingested, we had a lot of deep talks. He was a black man in a white school with a huge smile, skinny tall body and flat top cut. I admired his positive attitude, drive, and wasn’t afraid to ask him about things like how he felt about being a minority in a mostly white school, etc. We were the underdogs back in those days, so we all connected and accepted each other. Bonded together in misfitland.

Years later when I was a little bartender/waitress he was a regular. We bar hopped and partied then too and had deep talks, but he was different. Life had changed him. Also, I learned a lot more about his childhood and it wasn’t easy at all. But still had that smile, still energizing, just after a few too many vodka/soda waters (I think that’s what I remembered he drank- or was it 7 and 7’s?-hmm) he’d get a little angry, a little different. Still he was him more often than not, and over time and my moving on from that job, we went our own ways again.

Then a few years ago there he was on Facebook, still smiling and energized. Before I knew it, he had all these plans to take me and my weird twin to Hollywood to make a reality show about us. Yes he was a bit crazy, but he was always crazy in a harmless way. I thought it was great idea, I was excited for him and what he would do when he got there.

He did go to Hollywood, dreams in hand.. but he never came back.. not really.

I guess it feels crushing, and sometimes not having anyone to hug me or hold me makes it worse, or at least, I think that would make it better. I guess whatever is driving me to this point needs me to be alone, I don’t know. Luckily though, there was this little angel disguised as a baby I had to pick up tonight. We spent time with my parents, that helped a lot too.

Its kind of an emotional rollercoaster, for us “empaths.” I think that’s what I am, though I’m not quite sure if that’s a real thing or just made up for Star Trek TNG, but I think that’s what I am. This too, will be another learning, growing and overcoming hurdle I will have to get past if I’m going to continue my “calling,” but like everything else it takes time, and the greatest achievements come from the darkest places, or something like that.

I posted a long sentiment about it on my personal FB page but the short version is, look out for each other, and look for those signs. In his case, his lack of presence on Facebook was concerning, but my time and life is consumed and I should of, could of, would of.

If I ever do get that reality show, or that other one you dreamed for me, I’ll definitely find a way to make sure they know who you are and you’ll never be forgotten. I wish I could have helped you though, buddy; learn to love yourself, let the past pain go and be happy and I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to. You were pretty special, you enriched my life and so many others and opened my eyes to so much as a young naive, dorky girl. You did make a difference guy, and I and many, many others are going to miss you.

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Party on my friend, try not to piss God off to much okay?

 

 

12 thoughts on “Dealing with Failing a Friend

  1. My heart goes out to you as I hear you pain of loss. This is a moving tribute to your friend. Hold on to the wonderful memories – from the wonderful times you two shared I am sure he wouldn’t want any less.

    Like

    • Thank you, and yes it is. Life will ebb and flow, and you have to be prepared for the hard times, because they will come too. I wish you all the luck, strength and happiness you deserve, for just being born. Remember that, when the down times come. Remember that you are worthy of love for just being born, and that you are NOT your mistakes.

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  2. Amy says:

    I was also friends with him back in the day and re connected on FB. wondering if you ever found out what happened, I come back to his page daily to see if there is an answer. He was such a great guy!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Amy thanks for commenting.. I plan to be at the funeral, and if its brought out I will let you know… have you checked the obituaries? Of course like I said I think he probably OD’d but I will let you know if I hear anything further.

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      • Amy, I did not find out anything more. I have cut and pasted what I put on his page on Facebook this morning to explain further:
        ________________________________

        Hello, family of Gary. This is the woman who wrote the article on her blog about her dear lifetime friend who died so unexpectedly. Though I wanted nothing more than to meet you all, hug you, and see him laid to rest, in my own world I’ve had more come on than I could handle. As I write, my mom’s struggle with her health and cancer continue to plague us, and look dimmer as the days go on. After a very long, stress laiden week tending to all those around me that need me, and faced with two jobs that Saturday after the funeral, I made the hardest decision to say I can’t do it all, I cannot go. Finances are a huge issue in my life, and I only had so much strength left. I look back today at that decision, as I almost thought I couldn’t make it through those jobs last night and know that for my own health I made the right one.

        As I said in my article, he will never be forgotten and was dearly loved, and dearly is missed too. I’d like to believe he’s helping me along to stay afloat and not completely let my own world crumble. I hope he’s doing the same for all of you, and that you are just doing what it takes to survive, yet not stopping to help those who need it. Because it is so important. I wish you all enough of what you need to keep yourselves afloat, and find hope somewhere in all of this senselessness, and big hugs of comfort though I could not be there to give them. Thank you for bringing such a character into our worlds, though his time was cut short.
        __________________________________

        I hope you are doing okay. Life throws so many curves to keep us from reaching our goals, yet another thrown at me I won’t go into. So I try staying afloat and carrying on and finding a way to help someone else, so that I don’t let my pain let me give up too.

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Any questions, perspective, and comments are warmly welcomed.. I swear! Good and bad, its about growing and learning and getting better. I'd love to hear your thoughts, anytime. ;)

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