Today was a real tough one for Miss Inspiration.
Last night I found out a good friend died.
When us inspirers are hell bent on fixing the broken in this world and one that you know personally and have for years slips through your fingers… it’s more than shocking and discouraging. I cannot even describe the pain I feel. Someone I connected with at some of the toughest times in both our lives, died at 45 years old
of what I do believe will be determined as a drug related death from his own pain, it takes a HUGE chunk out of the self. Even any situations or pains that I cannot fix for the people I love around me sometimes wears me way down. It would sound crazy to say I absorb those pains, but it sure feels that way. It can take a whole lot to get me back up too.
He was a high school buddy and partyer friend, and under the influence of all things the burnout kids of my generation smoked drank and ingested, we had a lot of deep talks. He was a black man in a white school with a huge smile, skinny tall body and flat top cut. I admired his positive attitude, drive, and wasn’t afraid to ask him about things like how he felt about being a minority in a mostly white school, etc. We were the underdogs back in those days, so we all connected and accepted each other. Bonded together in misfitland.
Years later when I was a little bartender/waitress he was a regular. We bar hopped and partied then too and had deep talks, but he was different. Life had changed him. Also, I learned a lot more about his childhood and it wasn’t easy at all. But still had that smile, still energizing, just after a few too many vodka/soda waters (I think that’s what I remembered he drank- or was it 7 and 7’s?-hmm) he’d get a little angry, a little different. Still he was him more often than not, and over time and my moving on from that job, we went our own ways again.
Then a few years ago there he was on Facebook, still smiling and energized. Before I knew it, he had all these plans to take me and my weird twin to Hollywood to make a reality show about us. Yes he was a bit crazy, but he was always crazy in a harmless way. I thought it was great idea, I was excited for him and what he would do when he got there.
He did go to Hollywood, dreams in hand.. but he never came back.. not really.
I guess it feels crushing, and sometimes not having anyone to hug me or hold me makes it worse, or at least, I think that would make it better. I guess whatever is driving me to this point needs me to be alone, I don’t know. Luckily though, there was this little angel disguised as a baby I had to pick up tonight. We spent time with my parents, that helped a lot too.
Its kind of an emotional rollercoaster, for us “empaths.” I think that’s what I am, though I’m not quite sure if that’s a real thing or just made up for Star Trek TNG, but I think that’s what I am. This too, will be another learning, growing and overcoming hurdle I will have to get past if I’m going to continue my “calling,” but like everything else it takes time, and the greatest achievements come from the darkest places, or something like that.
I posted a long sentiment about it on my personal FB page but the short version is, look out for each other, and look for those signs. In his case, his lack of presence on Facebook was concerning, but my time and life is consumed and I should of, could of, would of.
If I ever do get that reality show, or that other one you dreamed for me, I’ll definitely find a way to make sure they know who you are and you’ll never be forgotten. I wish I could have helped you though, buddy; learn to love yourself, let the past pain go and be happy and I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to. You were pretty special, you enriched my life and so many others and opened my eyes to so much as a young naive, dorky girl. You did make a difference guy, and I and many, many others are going to miss you.