Moments of pain… oh those moments. They can take us from the highest highs and put us right back down to earth, and sometimes, put us in the ground. As much as I try, I am not above getting hurt by people. I guess that’s an impossible thing to do.
The someone I mention vaguely at times and very directly at others, throughout this blog, left me again amidst the rubble and ash, searching for why and looking for some signs that it will be okay. At this moment, it sure doesn’t feel that way. I feel voiceless, destroyed and the wound ripped open even further.
A time in my life, when though I have so much else I’m trying to balance, he texted me a week ago so unexpectedly. I had given up prior and finally felt like I was healing and growing. We talked and he clarified that he still was the man I thought, my soul mate, and hurting without me. After the call, I tried so hard to handle it differently, with the new strength I’ve found since and some sage advice given. But the burdens of the week and the past few months came fledging on me so hard, meanwhile trying to help every single person around me that asks for my help. Though the phone call tore the guarding walls I had up back down, he reverted back to that vague self, texting me not what I wanted to hear, and my lack of response further he texted me with words of hating him and his life finally changing not of love for me but of loss of a job. It angered me like no other as I was going to the hospital hoping my mom was still alive and I shared all my burdens in a long rant. I gave him a lot of confronting love. He didn’t respond.
As the week went on, I threw a few more angered seeds at him with my new-found voice, hoping to light a fire finally and having no more patience to play games. I’ve been walking through life these days, hurting so much, there have been times its almost too much. I just wanted him to be there and let me fall into his arms so I can finally feel loved back, strength and signs that I too, will get rewarded as I am deserving of. I told him that, in many ways and many words.
I couldn’t be strong enough to just receive whatever he could give, and I begged through those confronting words to just be my strength for once, to let it all down and help me. To keep me up just a little more so I can continue on doing what I finally think I’m suppose to, and have found my voice at last, though have so many burdens on me I can barely stand up.
So now I’m left once again, right back where I was before, the last time he hurt me, and I cannot see the person I was yesterday, the beautiful writer, before his killing texts last night and this morning, destroyed all that hope, all the good things I thought would finally come to me for trying to be a good person.
It’s a moment of pain, but though my life was carrying on, in some ways better, and others worse, it’s a moment of deep affliction and a death. I hope one day I can figure it all out. I hope by writing these words, they’ll help me in someway figure it out. If I can just believe that hope exists again.