Its been a pretty rough few days but I’m getting back in the swing of things ever so slowly literally and figuratively, as I try to heal. It was a nice surprise to see these pictures today and that I’m smiling in most of them and I didn’t wear the pain on my face my body was feeling throughout most of the race.
I’m also very glad when my friends finally found me there were no pictures taken of me to have to ever see again. I surely didn’t look anything like the smiling victorious person who wore that medal and tinfoil cape.
Fully I expected to see someone waiting for me with arms wide open proud of both of us, how far we came, overcame, reconnected as soul mates and to share in our victory. Why wasn’t he just honest? But I know now none of that was true it was all lies and manipulation and I was a pawn. I’ll never get why he did what he did but I try to think about it anymore because there’s just no rationalization to it. Just still all a shock and surreal blur; as if it was all dream or nightmare like being in a car accident and waking up in the hospital.
I should be overjoyed I finished this race but even today I’m just trying to get on with the new reality I exist in now. I’ve lost a lot of hope and faith after that unreal day. Never in my life have I been so elated and then completely inconsolably heartbroken all in a matter of hours – when my body was about to collapse of pain and exhaustion on top of it.
It’s not an easy thing healing and it will take a long time and parts may never fully heal. I might have finished the race but I lost hope and belief in someone I really loved and wanted to spend my life with. I know that is his problem and that I did nothing wrong but be me though it hurts all the same. I still wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust a man again and I don’t think I will. Even the “good ones” seem to turn out to be psychotic and I guess that I lack the ability to recognize it and run away. I consider it being a mature quality to overlook a man’s outer geeky self, flaws and not be superficial and I think that’s part of the problem. So sorry guys out there but I think I’m just done. I’m okay with that too my life is still pretty busy these days with other things anyways.
Seeing this last picture (below) right after I finally finished a grueling 5 hour 40 minute 26.2 run (and walk), I know that deep down inside that Supergirl is in there somewhere and she’ll find a way to bounce back.
You will too- whatever hits you so hard you feel like you’ll never get back up again. You cannot let life’s worst take that away from you- especially when you have so much to be proud of.